


The World Wants to Know!

by SteelRigged



Category: Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman, Superman (Comics), Superman - All Media Types, Superman/Batman (Comics), The Adventures of Superman
Genre: BAMF Women, F/M, Humor, Lois Lane is a Writer, My First Work in This Fandom, Other, Silly, Women Being Awesome, this might be crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-15
Updated: 2015-06-15
Packaged: 2018-04-04 13:20:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4139082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SteelRigged/pseuds/SteelRigged
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lois Lane is writing a book about secret identities. She's snagged an exclusive interview with Superman. What will he say?</p>
            </blockquote>





	The World Wants to Know!

**Author's Note:**

> This is a script for a podfic recording that I don't know how to post. Finished One-shot.

LOIS LANE:  
Are your ready to begin?

SUPERMAN:  
Yes.

LOIS LANE:  
Are you certain?

SUPERMAN:  
Yes. I think I can handle this.

LOIS LANE:  
You don't have to.

SUPERMAN:  
I want to. I think that the idea is fascinating and the stories you've put together so far are riveting.

LOIS LANE:  
Okay, here we go. (short pause) This is Lois Lane, on the record with Superman, for the currently untitled book project on American identities, secret identities, who we are and who we want to be, who we are allowed to be etc., etc. 

SUPERMAN:  
You're going to keep those "etc." In the title right? It is the heart of pithy. (Pause) I would like to state for the record that Lois Lane is rolling her eyes at me. Because that doesn't show up on the tape.

LOIS LANE:  
Superman, the world wants to know, do you have a secret identity? A cover that lets you do what you want to do?

SUPERMAN:  
If I told you it wouldn't be secret would it?

LOIS LANE:  
I feel like I should take that as a yes.

SUPERMAN:  
I have nothing to hide Lois. I don't wear a mask. I fly. I'm conspicuous in my uniform. Why would I have a secret identity?

LOIS LANE:  
Well do you go to the grocery store? (Pause) You do eat don't you?

SUPERMAN:  
Yes I eat.

LOIS LANE:  
How much?

SUPERMAN:  
A normal amount for a man my size.

LOIS LANE:  
So you have to shop sometimes. Having a secret identity could keep you from getting mobbed. I feel like I would have heard about the grocery store riots if you were seen at Whole Foods.

SUPERMAN:  
Oh, I see where you are going. Yes, that is a problem. I generally prefer to get all my food fresh from the farm, anyway. Privileges of flight. I don't have to spend much time in stores.

LOIS LANE:  
So farmer's markets then? That seems like it would be big news in a small town. Superman buys tomatoes! And corn! 

SUPERMAN:  
I often pick myself.

LOIS LANE:  
So somewhere out there are farmers, maybe lots of farmers, who occasionally find a bushel of something missing and a few dollars tucked under the doormat? You do pay for what you take don't you?

SUPERMAN:  
Of course I pay. (To the recorder) Superman doesn't steal. Remember that kids.

LOIS LANE:  
So that's how you eat? A raw vegan diet of fruits and vegetables fresh from the farm? That sounds incredibly . . . boring and austere.

SUPERMAN:  
(Snorts, tries to hide the laughter.) I can cook, for myself, too. And milk, eggs, and cheese also come from farms.

LOIS LANE:  
I just mean, we're in Metropolis right now: land of restaurants, and food trucks, and carts. The culinary melting pot of the world where millions of brilliant people put all their effort into creating sheer magic for the mouth. I mean, I know you are Superman, but really you can't spend your time coming up with the things these chefs can come up (you've got to save the world right.) And if you never get to try it, well, that's just sad. If there is any reason that the world should be saved it is lunch at Nichamen's starting with the soup and ending with the peppermint cheese cake.

SUPERMAN:  
I've eaten at restaurants, Lois.

LOIS LANE:  
Really? Because that is the sort of thing that would show up in the gossip columns and I haven't heard anything about it. Any recommendations?

TAPE OFF(CLICKING SOUND)  
TAPE ON (RUSTLE AND CLICKING SOUND)

LOIS LANE:  
Okay, we are back on the record and trying again. Superman, Do you have a secret identity? (Pause) Let the record show that Superman is glaring at me and I have not turned into a giant pile of ash.

TAPE OFF (CLICKING SOUND)  
TAPE ON(RUSTLE AND CLICKING SOUND)

LOIS LANE:  
"Let the record show that Superman is looking at me sternly, (exasperated sigh) with disappointment and disapproval.

SUPERMAN:  
Let me be very frank with you Lois. Anyone who associates with me is a target. I draw attention. I try to draw attention, because as long as the criminals are paying attention to me then they aren't hurting anyone else. (Pause, searching for words) And, it reassures people to know that someone is trying to help them. I want to be instantly identifiable. But that doesn't mean that there aren't villains who won't try to use people against me.

LOIS LANE:  
Hostages.

SUPERMAN:  
Yes, exactly.

LOIS LANE:  
People you love.

SUPERMAN:  
Yes.

LOIS LANE:  
So is that why you have a secret identity? To protect the people you love?

SUPERMAN:  
I don't need a secret identity to love people. I care about the whole world. I'd fight for anyone's life, including the criminals I capture. That's why I don't kill people.

LOIS LANE:  
Seems a little abstract. To care about all people and all people equally. I mean is that really love?

SUPERMAN:  
I don't know what else to call it.

LOIS LANE:  
Um, Virtue. Honor. Code of conduct. Self-Restraint. I mean most of us don't spend our days hurting people, but its not because we actively feel love. I mean, don't you ever have to just stop yourself from pounding Lex Luther so hard his septum goes right through his brain stem?

SUPERMAN:  
That's really graphic Lois.

LOIS LANE:  
(Frustrated sigh). With everything you see, with everything you do, with these super villains that just come back over and over again, don't you just, sometimes, just, get angry.

SUPERMAN:  
Sure, yea, I get angry. 

LOIS LANE:  
But?

SUPERMAN:  
But I can't run the world Lois. I don't want to.

LOIS LANE:  
So you never loose control.

SUPERMAN:  
No. I can't. So I don't.

LOIS LANE:  
And you do that with love? 

SUPERMAN:  
Its more resilient than a code of conduct.

LOIS LANE:  
I'm not sure we mean the same thing when we use that word. 

(PAUSE)

SUPERMAN:  
Something on your mind Lois?

LOIS LANE:  
I'm not sure if there is anything else you've ever told me that makes you seem more like an alien.

SUPERMAN:  
Should we stop?

LOIS LANE:  
No. I'll think about it later. Let's go back to the running the world thing.

SUPERMAN:  
Uhhgg. 

SHORT SHUFFLING AND SHIFTING

LOIS LANE:  
(Speaking over the shuffling). Because you have been accused of having a God complex.

SUPERMAN:  
Perils of the job. (Smile and soft joke in the voice)

LOIS LANE:  
(Short pause) Charming. Charm's a good diversion strategy. But really, you have the powers of a God and you have taken some responsibility to protecting and saving the world. I know that other commentators have called you Christ-like, do you identify with Jesus?

SUPERMAN:  
Jesus was a better man than me. I make no claims to be like him. Though I do think we should all strive to turn the other cheek, to care for the widow and orphan, and meek of the world.

LOIS LANE:  
What about Moses? (coaxingly) You know a basket with an infant set adrift among the stars; a man who forgoes power and the chance to rule in order to help the oppressed and suffering? (Still trying to coax and draw him out, aka pulling teeth) A man who is forced to remain a stranger among his people, to be their judge, but who is also forever denied their sanctuary.

SUPERMAN:  
I haven't thought about it much.

LOIS LANE:  
Really? That's what you're going to say?

SUPERMAN:  
Well, I guess--No. Nope. I don't have anything to say about religion. No comment. 

LOIS LANE:  
Fine, well then, has anyone actually asked you to run the world? And if so, who?

SUPERMAN:  
I get fan mail about it daily.

LOIS LANE:  
They deliver mail to the Fortress of Solitude.

SUPERMAN:  
(With warning) Lois.

LOIS LANE:  
(Brisk) The fortress has been mentioned in various interviews and articles since the 1960's. It is known in the public sphere. Though NASA, the NSA, the U.N., as well as all countries with a space program and Google Earth consider it's specific location to be classified and will neither confirm nor deny any reports about it. It is suspected to be on one of Earth's poles, but there are also rumors that its on the dark side of the moon or under the cloud cover of Venus.

SUPERMAN:  
Venus?

LOIS LANE:  
A fringe theory, but its been gaining ground. Someone has been writing about it passionately on the internet. They've put together quite a roster of plausible facts.

SUPERMAN:  
Oh. (Pause) Thanks.

LOIS LANE:  
For what?

SUPERMAN:  
For, um, um, telling me about it. (To recorder) Thank you also to the space programs, spy programs, and Google cartographers.

LOIS LANE:  
Even Superman is not an island. For someone who just said they want to be conspicuous you don't seem to be doing much to keep up with your fame.

SUPERMAN:  
No. No I don't. That's absolutely true.

LOIS LANE:  
So I suppose you don't have any comment on the Superman's super-sperm debate?

SUPERMAN:  
What! That's what they talk about?

LOIS LANE:  
Sex is always what they talk about. (With barely held back glee) The best discussions are run by 'MidWestMartha.' She's got the a world-class collection of scientific and semi-scientific articles on your potential ability to procreate. She's also got the best archive of slash fiction about you and Batman, its not her thing, but she lets it gather to keep up traffic.

SUPERMAN:  
(Blinking) Procreate?

LOIS LANE:  
She likes the idea of Super Babies. People send her pictures of kids, you know, infants and toddlers in costumes. Her gallery must have ten thousand pics at this point. Every now and then she calls it her "hall of grandkids."

SUPERMAN:  
And you look at this?

LOIS LANE:  
MidwestMartha is on my RSS feed.

SUPERMAN:  
Along with Superman/Batman slash fiction.

LOIS LANE:  
Ummm . . .

SUPERMAN:  
(Suspicious) Lois, what exactly is slash fiction?

TAPE OFF  
TAPE ON

SUPERMAN:  
Wait. Wait. Does Bru-Batman know about this?

TAPE OFF  
TAPE ON

LOIS LANE:  
So do you have an official statement you would like to make?

SUPERMAN:  
People, really, you must have better things to do with your time.

LOIS LANE:  
So, then, you are denying that you and Batman are a couple.

SUPERMAN:  
No comment.

LOIS LANE:  
Any thing to say about Batman and Robin?

SUPERMAN:  
No comment.

LOIS LANE:  
Is there someone else special in your life then?

SUPERMAN:  
No comment.

LOIS LANE:  
Has there ever been anyone?

SUPERMAN:  
No comment.

LOIS LANE:  
You know you are a very attractive man. Or at least you look like a very attractive man. However, there is also speculation that you don't have, well, full human anatomy. Standard male anatomy, that is. Can you clarify that for our audience?"

SUPERMAN:  
This line of questioning is inappropriate.

LOIS LANE:  
Oh?

SUPERMAN:  
Yes. My anatomy is private. I have the right to keep somethings private.

LOIS LANE:  
Like your love life.

SUPERMAN:  
At least that.

LOIS LANE:  
And of course, that's where a secret identity is so helpful.

SUPERMAN:  
How'd we get back to that?

LOIS LANE:  
Do you agree or disagree that a secret identity would help you keep your love life private?

SUPERMAN:  
This is not what we talked about.

LOIS LANE:  
A complete interview on the record IS what we talked about.

SUPERMAN:  
This isn't an interview, this is entrapment.

LOIS LANE:  
(Angry) You wanted to see what its like when I don't pull any punches, well this is what its like. Not my fault you don't watch TMZ.

SUPERMAN:  
(Garbled)

TAPE OFF  
TAPE ON

LOIS LANE:  
Okay (big sigh, first sentence spoken in an overly composed manner) Superman, it is your official position that while you don't deny that you may have a secret identity, you won't provide any further comments about it.

SUPERMAN:  
That's right. I don't spend all my time in the suit. As you've pointed out that would be logistically impossible. But I also don't want anyone to get hurt.

LOIS LANE:  
And its your belief that revealing any details at all about your life "outside the suit" will put people in danger.

SUPERMAN:  
Yes

LOIS LANE:  
So no questions about favorite restaurants or hobbies, or current or past girlfriends or lovers.

SUPERMAN:  
No

LOIS LANE:  
So that just leaves Batman

SUPERMAN:  
In a professional context only

LOIS LANE:  
And me

SUPERMAN:  
Excuse me?

LOIS LANE:  
Well, I, Lois Lane intrepid reported, am one of the few known associates with Superman.

LONG PAUSE

SUPERMAN:  
(Sad, dubious) Lois

LOIS LANE:  
I am. I've had more exclusive interviews with you than anyone else. You've saved my life publicly, and openly, more times than I can count. Lex Luthor has me on speed dial, and I think Perry's got at least three G-men in the basement that are sorting through threats to the nations sent to you, care of me.

SUPERMAN:  
(Angry growl) I should have known about that.

LOIS LANE:  
Well, its all very hush hush, national security, blah, blah, need to know only.

SUPERMAN:  
And I didn't need to know?

LOIS LANE:  
They didn't think I needed to know either. Most of it is just ranting. The threats get to you if they are credible.

PAUSE

SUPERMAN:  
Lois, I am so sorry for the danger I have put you in.

LOIS LANE:  
(Blowing past his apology dismissively) That's okay. But I would like to know why me?

SUPERMAN:  
I, I can't answer that question. Turn off the tape.

LOIS LANE:  
(Stumbling) No, No. Professional capacity only. Why me to talk to. Why am I your reporter? Why did you give me your first big interview?

PAUSE

LOIS LANE:  
Oh (swallowing) okay. Like that. Give me a second to find my next question.

SUPERMAN:  
I liked your writing.

LOIS LANE:  
You liked my writing?

SUPERMAN:  
Yeah, I like it a lot. I have since the first time I ran across your byline, back when you were working in St. Louis.

LOIS LANE:  
You read my St. Louis work?

SUPERMAN:  
I like reading, and newspapers. Always have. I have to keep up with the world and TV is just so slow. There aren't enough hours in the day to slog through those broadcasts. Daily papers are detailed and I read fast. I can catch up with the everything in the time it takes most news show to play their logo. Your articles stood out from the beginning.

LOIS LANE:  
The Lois Lane articles

SUPERMAN:  
Well I liked some of your other bylines too, but Lois Lane was my favorite. They had fire. Every thing you did was well written and well researched, but Lois Lane was never afraid to take sides. You were a champion fighting for people that couldn't fight for themselves.

LOIS LANE:  
Like you.

SUPERMAN:  
Like I wanted to be. Before the suit and all. But you are braver.

LOIS LANE:  
Am I?

SUPERMAN:  
Well, I'm bullet proof.

LOIS LANE:  
So, me, because you like my writing. That simple

SUPERMAN:  
Yes. And because I thought I could trust you.

LOIS LANE:  
Why?

SUPERMAN:  
I well . .um . . The things you'd write. The way you'd write them. I agreed. You said things that I wanted to say in ways that I could never have thought to say them. 

LOIS LANE:  
So superman's big weakness is grammar? I'm not sure we should let this out.

SUPERMAN:  
Don't do that, don't undermine the compliment. You get the big story, how all the pieces go together even when it doesn't make sense at first. And let me tell you, from the outside, humanity rarely makes sense. You have compassion, and clarity, and you really believe we can all do better.

LOIS LANE:  
Well, Thank you. I don't know what to say.

SUPERMAN:  
Really? Does that mean that I win?

LOIS LANE:  
This isn't a competition, its an interview.

SUPERMAN:  
I thought everything was a competition for Lois Lane.

LOIS LANE:  
And everything is a fight for Superman?

SUPERMAN:  
And that! That too. That's the other reason it could only have been you.

LOIS LANE:  
What? My witty repartee?

SUPERMAN:  
You are never afraid to speak truth to power. I have a lot of power and I need a lot of truth. I mean if you told me something was wrong, I wouldn't do it. No matter how much I wanted to.

LOIS LANE:  
Wow. Um, that's a lot of responsibility.

SUPERMAN:  
Yea, I guess it is. Maybe you're the one that needs a secret identity.

LOIS LANE:  
(Snorts) I already have one remember? That's why I'm writing the book. 

LONG PAUSE

SUPERMAN:  
You can't publish this interview now.

LOIS LANE:  
You're terrified you just handed me a death sentence, aren't you?

SUPERMAN:  
I don't think you should use me in the book either, Lois. If I knew how to keep this out of your life I would. We'd just be normal. I bring too much baggage, too many secrets and lies. I really did want to impress you and I've been so stupid showing off. I wasn't willing to do it slowly--

LOIS LANE:  
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! I chose danger remember. I chose it. I chased you.

SUPERMAN:  
You couldn't have known what you were getting into.

LOIS LANE:  
The hell I couldn't! I knew. I still know twice as much about crime in this city as you, Clark. I know you don't get this, not really, but we, all of us humans, we are born with a death sentence. I am much happier, living, like this, with the danger and the villains right out in the open. Bringing the fight back to them is so much better than being "safe." I nearly suffocated on safe; following my father's rules of modesty with nothing to do with my mind but make a bunch of pimply faced yeshivout feel smart.

SHORT PAUSE

LOIS LANE:  
The tape recorder is still running isn't it?

SUPERMAN:  
Yes.

LOIS LANE:  
Mother Fu--

TAPE OFF  
REWINDING  
TAPE ON

SUPERMAN:  
Maybe you're the one that needs a secret identity

LOIS LANE:  
I already have one--

TAPE OFF  
MORE REWINDING  
TAPE ON

LOIS LANE:  
Okay. We'll just tape over all of that. Let's get back into character. Right? okay.

SUPERMAN:  
I love you.

LOIS LANE:  
Like you love all humanity Superman?

SUPERMAN:  
No. Like I love you Lois Lane.

SOUND OF SHUFFLING

LOIS LANE:  
Hey, Hey! Professional time here!

SUPERMAN:  
You don't need me

LOIS LANE:  
Babe, you're my marketing plan

SUPERMAN:  
But then it becomes a book about what I'm not telling, instead of a book about everything you've found out.

LOIS LANE:  
No one wants to read a book about Lois Lane.

SUPERMAN:  
I do.

LOIS LANE:  
Darling, you may be a living god, but you alone are not enough readers to sell copy.

SUPERMAN:  
You are enough, Lois. You are going to write it and its going to be brilliant, and that's enough. If you can't say what you want to without talking about me, about us, then, well, we'll figure that out. We'll tell everything and move out of the city. I don't know. I trust you.

LOIS LANE:  
(Short pause) I love you.

SUPERMAN:  
Everyone loves Superman

LOIS LANE:  
Yeah, but I love you.

TAPE OFF

**Author's Note:**

> If any one wants to record and post a version of this that would be awesome.
> 
> Also, most people who like one story I write, like the others too! Go read all my SteelRigged stories!


End file.
